welcome back (:

i'm back to blogging ! hehe been awhile i must say , things have changed alot in the last couple of months ..
chris and i are done for good ! feels awesome , can't really even remember him anymore lolss , i have a new boyfriend called paul && hes amazing (: i've decided to put my identity out here now cause this is a far happier blog , i'm really stoked and positive about life now ! life really is what you make it so i'm trying to embrace it at every moment && trying to keep my head up like my nose be bleeding hehe ..
i wish i knew how to make my blog look prettier , its quite the ugly so if anyone has any suggestions please help !

i'm completely missing my mobile phone :( it was freakin hello kitty !!

yeah , it really is that gangsta .. some ass stole it from me ! :( i'm really contemplating buying another one because i loved it that much ..

anyways this blog was pretty much ode de kitty . i miss yoou .

better jet !

peace && love

lifelife .

i haven't written here in awhile , just because i've been on the myspace blogging buzz .. i feel its more personal and i can express myself completely without anybody reading it .. not that i mind people reading , well yes i guess it is because i mind people reading .. i'm so confused with my life at the moment and i doubt anyone could decipher my diary entries of late to be honest , i don't know where anythings heading and i'd rather wait till i know myself before i type anything here because at the moment nothings in black and white . its complicated and i have no idea when it will be sorted .
so public blogs will be out for awhile till i sort my life out .

peace && love xx

random thought time .

i feel really sore right now , i'm sure its a sign to stop drinking and smokng and stuff , my chest is pretty sore and if i breathe in heaps it goes real tight and burns a little .. hmm crazyness ..
this is just a random thought blog its not made in order so things are being written as i think them ..
im rocking the red lipstick at the moment , luvin it and i think it goes with the dress i'm wearing , yeya they said it looked good last nite at chloes .. wow had such a random night , went to chloes 18th with jade then got sai , ethan and jay to pick us up , got a feed wasted as and dropped jade off , picked rome and his new adopted brother thing and went to the bay kept drinking .. can't believe i woke up this morning , i've been getting so trollied lately i actually think i'm turning into an alcoholic .. every weekend i tell myself i'm not going to drink but always end up going out .. can't believe i'm 18 soon , crazy shit ! everyone wants me to have a party but to be honest i dont really want to cuz chris might find out , and to be honest again i think i still care about him a tad .. its sickening me a little , he always stalks me and trys to get into my life i think this is why i feel the way i feel .. i guess it is ..
what else is new .. umm everyones had sex now except tree hahah jordans pretty happy with himself lmao but its kewel that hes got someone now , and buzzy her names aysha ! hahahaha
eugh i have the mean stomach cramps .. and my heads pretty blocked and clogged up , soo hung .. i need to catch up on my sleep tomorrow , i've still been going course even tho i went to whangarei on wednesday , went clubbing again , just walked in hahah love it ! but i need to stop clubbing , stop drinking , stop smoking , start afresh . live my life for Him instead of living a world of sin .. man this is getting deep i better go , i've gotta go out soon and i dont even know if i can do it .. went to the mall the other day completely trashed i can't believe it .. i need to stop !!! :(

weoow !

haven't blogged in awhile , but yeah as you probably guessed me and chris aren't together anymore , but i'm feeling really good about it (:
but enough about that . there are more important things to talk about !
last night was an amazing night , i ended up going clubbing with sabrina , lisa , jade , anna and reas .. so crazy ! and they're all amazingly stunning (except reas kuz hes a dude lmfao ) which comes in handy when yew try to get in everywhere underage hahaha !
first we had pre drinks at annas house in takapuna , her house is amazing ! so so jealous :P
we went to bar 3 first , i got in easy .. got bored of it then went to lounge and saw elias there ( argh shame ! ) he asked me how chris was .. i was like ask him yurself ! an he was like are yew guys not together anymore ? and i was like nopeee ! hahha but he gave me a cigy which was nice , and another girl from course was there and asked me about chris .. i'm so over it ! we've been over for ages man fark !!
an krystal was in lounge too , hahah random ! course central !
then we stayed there till it closed , then went to met , we managed to get in for free even tho it was 5 bux a head (: an then we went to code , i love it there way more ! but jade couldn't get in cause they were trying to get her to pay :( so we called it a night and had to walk up to sky city to get the car ahha my feet are so sore now :( i shouldnt have worn heels going uphill haha !
anyways got home at 5am , watched tv an fell asleep .. woke up at like 11.30 so i'm prety tired :(
and when i woke up i smelt hardout like man cologne .. sick stuff , i can't even remember alot :s too wasted !
xx

too good to be true ?

argh i am soo over chris ! i can't believe how things have changed ..
i found out he is someone completely different to what i thought he was .. i thought i'd like a bad boy but i guess i was wrong , it honestly kills me .
gangs are pathetic , and how the "bois" are number one priority , trust me when you go to prison for something cause you get caught and they don't , i'm pretty sure they won't come and visit you .
i'm actually a little bit hurt at the moment .. i had to take a pregnancy test yesterday because i missed my monthly and he hasn't been around and doesn't even know , it is honestly one of the scariest things i've ever done in my life and he wasn't even there to support me or anything , i'm so ready to end it all , i'll see him tomorrow at course and i'll let him know then ..
i don't deserve to be second best to the bois . people are hating on me for being with him , yet he's nothing special . i wish one of those girls were with him instead of me . i wish i had nothing to do with him , cause nothings been the same since .
we don't even fight properly . when we fight , he just has a sook and says "why are you doing this to me?" .. when i'm not even raging ..
i think this has been a lesson to me to not get into things too quickly and things aren't all they seem ..
argh :( i just went to lie down in bed and i can smell his cologne through my sheets .. tear
why can't life be more simple ??
i was talking with sorelle last night and she said theres no such thing as the perfect relationship . i'm starting to believe her .
i'm turning into an alcoholic . i've been drinking everyday whenever i have money or if not someone shouts me a sesh , so i'm constantly filling the void . today is my first day sober and i don't feel too crash hot .
i've never felt so confused and lost with what i want ..
i like him , but i can't deal with it anymore .
i just wish things were different .

please don't comment this blog if you read it , its just a personal blog for me but i don't know how to make it private so it'l be public . i don't need sympathy , i just need to get over it .


p.s : fuck you cologne smelling blankets i can still smell you :(

sigh ..

I had the most amazing week , ended up staying at chris's for most of it , but met his whole family and stuff and they like me which is awesome .. but argh he is actually the perfect boyfriend ! he treats me like a princess , always asking if i need anythng , and always thinks of me .. for example if he sees me sitting on the couch , he goes and grabs me a blanket and pillow so i can lie down , then asks if i need a drink and would go and get me one with ice because he heard i like cold drinks .. its pretty crazy and im not used to it , i really really like him and i hope that it can continue being as sweet as it is ..
jordan still doesnt know and probably wont for a couple more months .. not ready to tell him cause i have no idea how he'll take it .. so its best to just continue on with life and if he asks ill tell him the truth but yea if he doesnt then no point in telling him !
pretty much everyone else knows now , my parents , my sister , sai , ethan , jade , brits , sabrina , dan etc ..
jade met him on saturday night it was so nice and she said hes hot ;) which is always gooood an she likes him ! and hes taller then her so its all going well ..
things are going too perfect though .. i'm sure something bads gunna happen .. lifes not meant to be this perfect xx

i feel so stupid ..

it was his sister txting off his phone ..
i kno this cause hes in waipu with his family , why am i so dumb !?

soo confused .

i went from having the best day ever to the absolute worst .
thursday was sports day , which was fun .. i kept seeing the hot guy , whose name is actually chris .
after sports dayy , me chris krystal an reyah went to go and get alcohol for the party that night .. which was algood ..
we went to the party , and me and chris got real close .. started hooking up at the party (big mistakee !!) and a group of girls saw and got angry and yelled abuse .. so me and chris left , he ended up staying at my place , we didnt do anything like that .. but he ended up asking me out and stuff , and i thought all was fine until today when i recieve a text from his supposed girlfriend ??
i can't believe i got into this mess , and the worst thing is i still like him :(
i don't know what to do or what to believe .
i just want to crumple into a ball and die ..

i just realised ..

everytime i get insanely close with someone , i back away .. far away and latch onto someone else .
i don't understand why i do this , and it annoys me because pretty much weekly my closest friends change , its crazy , its pointless but its me .

so ;

i'm so confused .


names are being changed haha

i like hot guy , but thats only physical attraction .
i like john , but thats only because hes a bad boy and lives life how i never could .
i don't like pete , because hes like a best friend not a boyfriend . don't wana ruin things .
i don't like james at all just because . and his stalking ways aren't cool .


so its either hot guy or john , i know i shouldn't like john , but seriously things are getting tempting ..

i guess its just a matter of timing .


hot guy was sick today :(

grr ..

stop being shy and talk to me instead of stalking everywhere i go :P
ill talk to you promise x

today ..

can't believe it
can't believe it ..
the hottest guy at course wants my number !
argh he is soooo hottt ! didn't even realise who he was until he asked krystal for my numba ..
oooohweee course is gunna be fun tomoro !

weekend times !

just got home from a pretty awesome weekend (: it wasn't spectacularly amazing , but i bonded so closely with jordan an became pretty tight with josh , one of jordans course friends !
i met jordan and josh on thursday night , when they came over wasted lmao .. but brittany was over at mine , and we ended up goin to pak n save to buy more alcohol and go to drinks in glen eden (quintins)
we got to glen eden but things got a bit weird , josh didn't like quintin haha cause quintin was being a stingy ass .. so we left and went to telains .. haven't seen him in ages so it was real cool to see him .. hes on home d now , out of jail finally !
after that we went to french bay we were all wasted by then .. and it was friken freezing so i didn't wana get out but jordan prity much made me , so i got out for like 5 seconds an then went bak into th car .. don't like french bay anymore after everything that happened there .. and jordan was trying to pressure me into telling him what happened that night and i really didnt want to talk about it .. sometimes when jordan gets wasted he trys to talk about deep things and when i'm wasted i don't wanna talk about deep things lmao so i guess we're a bad combination !
but then we ended up doing drifties on the way back home , meaaan ! (: an we crashd at jordans , got there bowt 4am .. somehow i managed to ring course at 8am an let them know i wasn't coming in hha ! josh an jordan didn't end up goin to course eitha hahah !
friday day i slept (: needed a good sleep ! an woke up watched that movie krank its actually prity good but i fell asleep before the end but josh told me th ending grr haha , an didn't eat anything i was so not on the eating buzz ! but we had chinese for dinner so that was alguds ..
then we ended up going to josh's for drinks .. troy , onosai & ethan were already there an already wasted it was so krakup .. those bois cannot handle their booze ay .. ethans eyes were fully white , you couldn't see the pupils or anything , he kept coma-ing , onosai was on th giggle buzz .. krakin up at ethans drunken antics , an troy was in denial about bein drunk yet he did random ass thingss ! hha well that was the good part of th night anyways , it got alot worse from then on ..
josh an jordan decided to walk to th atm machine an chek their bank account balance at avondale .. all was good until they went to walk home when some stupid ass crip niggahz that live on st georges rd jumped josh an stole 2 phones an joshs wallet ! i'm still really angry about that how dare someone do that !? josh got a few hits in , but the guy ended up knocking him on th kerb , which caused his teeth to chip :( sooo guttering cause his teeth were mega straight and perfect before ..
so jordan sprinted bak to josh's an got the car zoomed bak wit sai an troy .. i was a bit lost with everything so just wandered through the streets hahah ! an then they found me an jetted bak home .. only to have the 50 behind us with their lights on ..
ended up explaining to them what happened an thy tried to find the guys that did it .. bt they gapped it .. but we kno who did it .. these guys that live in avondale .. fkn cake ass niggahz ..
an yeah troy got a bit upset cause his fone got stolen .. an ehan was real wasted .. sai was just tired .. so we went to see rome to see how he was .. an it was bad news for him too , his cousin died at 2 days old :( what a stinky poohz nyt !
jordan josh an me ended up crashing at my house .. woke up th next morning made toast an eggs n shit then we all went to my godmotherz sisters wedding out in mangere .. i had to take photos alll dayyy , hahha i was the camera girl yeaya ! an josh was real nice an offerd to do th bbq (: jordan was being a lazy ass hahah ! an there was this girl at th wedding that was exactly like blush ! like she had th same straight up attitude but she was only 11 hahah but she told jordan she'd kil him cause he was a blato :P
but yeah the wedding was cute , it was troys uncle getting married ! so we're kinda related now haha i gues ..
umm after that we bought two boxes of beer , got on it an drank ! crashd at my other house .. then today we went to th avondale market got pork buns mmmm sooo good !! an josh got a knife an a lazer light lmfao he was so mean to th seagulls hha but i loved it XD
hha secretly i think hes cute ;)
im scared someone i know might read this one day so i feel like i can't really express the real me , or speak freely without the risk of someone getting hoha with me about what i've written ;
well to you ..
if you have a problem , don't read it ! the truth may hurt ..

yaaay !

i made friends at course ! (: finally don't feel like a loner hha ..
i was sitting by myself having a ciggy , and they sat down at my table and talked to me (:
their names are chloe , keigan and jade , they are real nice and have all been friends for like 10 years so i feel kinda botz .. but its nice having people to talk to !
and after class , i went and hung out with them :D
so lifes going good at the moment , that was the only thing that made me kinda worried was going to course everyday and not knowing anyone ..
sports days next thursday , thinking about not going , theres no way i'm doing sports in front of people i don't know !!

this depresses me ..

hha i can't believe people are more jealous of me and would rather kiss me than others hha .
it kindof depresses me a bit , compare friends is a bit sad .. i dont generally judge my friends , but i want to see how they judge me .. its a vicious cycle of epic failure ):

omgoshh !

eeek ended up so wasted over the weekend , and can't believe i ended up hooking up with the guy i had a high school crush on :s
things really do change when you grow up ..

x

church really keeps me sane .

random update !

i can't believe it .
i still don't understand why i do it to myself .
like having random little shittys in front of all my friends and stop talking to everyone around me , sulk off and won't talk to anyone .
its random and i wish i didn't do it .

today was a great day tho , despite my shittyness .
i ended up hanging out with troy and sabrina all day , two of my closest friends and i'm so blessed that my bestest friends all get along (: we shopped with no money , ate and just pretty much hung out . i love those two soo much ! after we did that , we walked to olympic park and ethan and onosai came and met up with us , we hung out there for awhile , and went to chaucer school to hang out and play truth or dare at which was mega entertaining and we had to run away because the school security came so we had to like commando style it , run onto the field and roll down the hill and hide . it was so crackup the security guard was trying to find us , we could see the torch going and everything !
argh gotta go , trying to edit photos and its not really going so well .

Recent Events !

Wow can't believe Jade came down again , it was so awesome we got to really catch up and i'm missing her already even though she left like 30 mins ago ?
But we got to hang out and do some shopping at sylvia park and suss out some cool clothes (:
and it was so random we went to dresmart aswell ; ( me , lily , jade & tom ) and met up with Tom's mate Cory an then we saw Ethan and Troy there ! Which was completely out of the blue , so they got to see Jade , and then we saw Fare at work ! And it was nice to see Jade and Fare peacing everything out , stupid rumours right ?
Oh yeah and i got my lunch shouted for hehe , Ethan bought me a chocolate milkshake and Troy bought me a cheeseburger with mayo mmm (:
This blogs a bit rushed and I can't really think of what to say and how to say it , i'm kindof going through a brain fart and nothings coming to me hahah ! Ew can't believe I said brain fart XD
But it's allgood cause nobody reads this anyways so its pretty safe ! I just want to use this to reflect on later and laugh about cause the world needs more smiles and laughter , and with the whole recession thing going on we can surely use some !
Omgoshh today I rocked the side ponytail again with my headband , I think it's becoming a habit !
Hmm what else is new ..
Got mega on it last night with Jade oh gosh it was krakup ! Hahahahaha she couldn't even drive lmfao ! We were on the motorway and she was rolling ciggys and she didn't watch the road and we almost drove into a ditch ! But I was like " OMG ! " And she was like " Shit Sorry ! " and did the meanest swerve it was sooooo funny ! But it was cause she was feeling real sick aswell ; a lethal combination ahah !
We went to the petrol station , grabbed some cleareyes and she dropped me home ; I went inside and said I felt sick , so went to bed and ended up getting real hungry so made a big munch , so suspect right ? and then went to sleep for real , woke up at half past 11 when everyone was asleep and stole another hot cross bun hahah !
And then this morning woke up rather early , mum woke me up as usual and asked if I wanted a ciggy , I was like " No , I Just Woke Up ! " and she was like " Oh Okayy " and left me hahah , and so I was like waking up and watching tv and I hear this rat tap tapping on my door and I thought it was mum being a dick so I opened the curtain quite angrily , and it was actually Jade ! So I was like " Oh Watsup ! " and we went shopping this morning , then we went to lynmall , they have this huge market sale on there , heaps of stuff for cheap so might end up going on Saturday for another look !
Can't really think of much else to write ! So this is a rather short pointless blog , but I guess its not pointless cause i'm going to eventually read this again one day and laugh and think I was such a dick ! Haha till next time !


Peace & Love x

And So It Starts ..

Thought i'd give this blog a whirl, sorry Dan as usual I steal your niche and completely immerse myself in it. Hope you don't mind .

Been having some pretty deep thoughts lately, about who my real friends are and who I can actually see myself being friends with years down the track. I've been unintentionally snobbing those that I don't see "fitting the bill" and I apoligise to you all now, not like any of you will read this, because i'm not giving the link out. But i've realised the person who i've become the past year is a complete work of fiction. She was the girl that you wanted her to be. She enjoyed the things you did, listened to your tears and sorrows and went through her own, letting few in yet putting on a happy facade because at the end of the day she was the girl you wanted her to be right ? and the girl you wanted her to be was never upset , always happy and smiling. But in reality, she is much deeper than that. And few of you ever got to know that girl.
I've realised that some of these friends are completely immersed in superficiality (is that even a word lmao?) and outward appearances. Judging people is one of their strong points. A classic example of this was last weekend, when the girl you wanted decided to take a friend to an event that you were all going to be at. The friend wasn't stereotypically "pretty" or "stunning" , and you were all absolutely horrified at the fact that the girl you wanted was seen with this girl! Oh the shame you would all have to face! So you decided to completely ignore the friend the girl you wanted was with, making it quite clear your feelings of her, hoping the girl you wanted learnt her lesson.
How pathetic. I've never met people as cruel hearted as you guys, yes sorry forgot to add that little factor, it was a group of 7 guys. You all need to grow up and face reality, never look down on someone unless you are helping them up! You are going to miss out on alot of amazing people if you have that attitude towards people.
Wow I never imagined i'd really enjoy ranting this out onto this blog, the anonyminity of it all is so exciting XD I don't think i'll show this to any of my friends, if they really want to they can search and find it somehow, it shouldn't be too hard (:
But enough of the whinging, lets talk about the positive! I'm listening to keep ya head up-Tupac and its making my mood vastly better!
Tomorrow i'm going to have a real catchup with Jade, i've really missed her ever since I left Whangarei. We have a really unique bond that I can't really explain. We may fight (and when we do we really fight!) but at the end of the day we know that we have each others backs for life and nothing can change that. I guess we're bonded for life hehe, she's like a sister to me and its really nice to have a bond like that with someone i've known for a year!
I guess I should fill in a little survey for this anyway, so I can laugh at it in years to come when I reread this!

Basics:
DOB: 23rd of June
Birthplace: National women's hospital.
Current location:The lounge chillaxing.
Eye color:Brown.
Hair Color:Black!
Height:Hm about 177cms?
Heritage:A mixed bagg. European,Samoan,German,French Canadian,Scottish,British.
Piercings:Bellybutton & Ears.
Tattoos:None, not into them on myself.
Favorite:
Band/Singer:Singer? Mariah Carey for a singer, Katchafire for a band.
Song:Juicy-Notorious BIG ! (:
Genre of Music:Hip hop probably.
Color(s)::Pink,Black,Anything neon.
TV show(s):Shortland Street.
Movie(s):Notorious,The Breakfast Club,Pretty In Pink.
Food:Italian or Thai.
Store:Supre!
Drink:Riccadona Asti!
Clothing Brand:Dior (:
Shoe Brand:Doesn't bother me.
Animal:Kitten I guess.
Pizza topping:Vegetarian.
Season:Summer!
Month:January!
Holiday:New years.
Flower:Frangipani.
This or That:
Sunny or rainy:Sunny.
Chocolate or vanilla:Chocolate.
Fruit or veggie:Fruit.
Night or day:Night!
Sour or sweet:Sweet (:
Love or money:Love.
Phone or in person:In person.
Poor & happy or rich & miserable:Poor&Happy.
Looks or personality:Personality.
Coffee or tea:Tea.
Hot or cold:Hot.
Your:
Goal for this year:Survive it!
Most missed memory:Primary school, those were the days!
Best physical feature:Haha I have no clue.
First thought waking up:Wheres my phone?
Future:
Do you wanna get married:Yup (:
Do you wanna have kids:Yes!
If so, how many:No more than 3.
What do you want to be:In life? Happy.
Do You:
Dance in the rain:Not anymore, don't want to wet my straightened hair haha!
Smoke:Occasionally.
Drink:Yeah.
Shower daily:Yup.
Like thunderstorms:Nope, I get scared!
Curse:Yup.
Sing:Yess,not well hahah!
Play an instrument:I cn play the keyboard hahah!
Think you are good looking:Not particularly.
Get along with your parents:Most of the time.
Other Questions:
Can you whistle:Yes.
Right or left handed:Right.
Your bedtime:Whenever I feel like it.
Biggest fear:Being alone.
3 things you can't live without:cellphone,hair straightener,hair straightener.
Color of your room:Different shades of blue.
Siblings:A brother & a sister, and 5 half sisters.
Middle name:Ann.
Pets:A dog.
Nicknames:Star.
For or against gay marriage:For.
Thoughts on abortion:Up to the person.
If you could be anywhere right now where would you be:Argentina.Or Singapore.
Do you wear contacts/glasses:No.
Are you afraid of the dark:Yes.