lifelife .

i haven't written here in awhile , just because i've been on the myspace blogging buzz .. i feel its more personal and i can express myself completely without anybody reading it .. not that i mind people reading , well yes i guess it is because i mind people reading .. i'm so confused with my life at the moment and i doubt anyone could decipher my diary entries of late to be honest , i don't know where anythings heading and i'd rather wait till i know myself before i type anything here because at the moment nothings in black and white . its complicated and i have no idea when it will be sorted .
so public blogs will be out for awhile till i sort my life out .

peace && love xx

random thought time .

i feel really sore right now , i'm sure its a sign to stop drinking and smokng and stuff , my chest is pretty sore and if i breathe in heaps it goes real tight and burns a little .. hmm crazyness ..
this is just a random thought blog its not made in order so things are being written as i think them ..
im rocking the red lipstick at the moment , luvin it and i think it goes with the dress i'm wearing , yeya they said it looked good last nite at chloes .. wow had such a random night , went to chloes 18th with jade then got sai , ethan and jay to pick us up , got a feed wasted as and dropped jade off , picked rome and his new adopted brother thing and went to the bay kept drinking .. can't believe i woke up this morning , i've been getting so trollied lately i actually think i'm turning into an alcoholic .. every weekend i tell myself i'm not going to drink but always end up going out .. can't believe i'm 18 soon , crazy shit ! everyone wants me to have a party but to be honest i dont really want to cuz chris might find out , and to be honest again i think i still care about him a tad .. its sickening me a little , he always stalks me and trys to get into my life i think this is why i feel the way i feel .. i guess it is ..
what else is new .. umm everyones had sex now except tree hahah jordans pretty happy with himself lmao but its kewel that hes got someone now , and buzzy her names aysha ! hahahaha
eugh i have the mean stomach cramps .. and my heads pretty blocked and clogged up , soo hung .. i need to catch up on my sleep tomorrow , i've still been going course even tho i went to whangarei on wednesday , went clubbing again , just walked in hahah love it ! but i need to stop clubbing , stop drinking , stop smoking , start afresh . live my life for Him instead of living a world of sin .. man this is getting deep i better go , i've gotta go out soon and i dont even know if i can do it .. went to the mall the other day completely trashed i can't believe it .. i need to stop !!! :(

weoow !

haven't blogged in awhile , but yeah as you probably guessed me and chris aren't together anymore , but i'm feeling really good about it (:
but enough about that . there are more important things to talk about !
last night was an amazing night , i ended up going clubbing with sabrina , lisa , jade , anna and reas .. so crazy ! and they're all amazingly stunning (except reas kuz hes a dude lmfao ) which comes in handy when yew try to get in everywhere underage hahaha !
first we had pre drinks at annas house in takapuna , her house is amazing ! so so jealous :P
we went to bar 3 first , i got in easy .. got bored of it then went to lounge and saw elias there ( argh shame ! ) he asked me how chris was .. i was like ask him yurself ! an he was like are yew guys not together anymore ? and i was like nopeee ! hahha but he gave me a cigy which was nice , and another girl from course was there and asked me about chris .. i'm so over it ! we've been over for ages man fark !!
an krystal was in lounge too , hahah random ! course central !
then we stayed there till it closed , then went to met , we managed to get in for free even tho it was 5 bux a head (: an then we went to code , i love it there way more ! but jade couldn't get in cause they were trying to get her to pay :( so we called it a night and had to walk up to sky city to get the car ahha my feet are so sore now :( i shouldnt have worn heels going uphill haha !
anyways got home at 5am , watched tv an fell asleep .. woke up at like 11.30 so i'm prety tired :(
and when i woke up i smelt hardout like man cologne .. sick stuff , i can't even remember alot :s too wasted !
xx

too good to be true ?

argh i am soo over chris ! i can't believe how things have changed ..
i found out he is someone completely different to what i thought he was .. i thought i'd like a bad boy but i guess i was wrong , it honestly kills me .
gangs are pathetic , and how the "bois" are number one priority , trust me when you go to prison for something cause you get caught and they don't , i'm pretty sure they won't come and visit you .
i'm actually a little bit hurt at the moment .. i had to take a pregnancy test yesterday because i missed my monthly and he hasn't been around and doesn't even know , it is honestly one of the scariest things i've ever done in my life and he wasn't even there to support me or anything , i'm so ready to end it all , i'll see him tomorrow at course and i'll let him know then ..
i don't deserve to be second best to the bois . people are hating on me for being with him , yet he's nothing special . i wish one of those girls were with him instead of me . i wish i had nothing to do with him , cause nothings been the same since .
we don't even fight properly . when we fight , he just has a sook and says "why are you doing this to me?" .. when i'm not even raging ..
i think this has been a lesson to me to not get into things too quickly and things aren't all they seem ..
argh :( i just went to lie down in bed and i can smell his cologne through my sheets .. tear
why can't life be more simple ??
i was talking with sorelle last night and she said theres no such thing as the perfect relationship . i'm starting to believe her .
i'm turning into an alcoholic . i've been drinking everyday whenever i have money or if not someone shouts me a sesh , so i'm constantly filling the void . today is my first day sober and i don't feel too crash hot .
i've never felt so confused and lost with what i want ..
i like him , but i can't deal with it anymore .
i just wish things were different .

please don't comment this blog if you read it , its just a personal blog for me but i don't know how to make it private so it'l be public . i don't need sympathy , i just need to get over it .


p.s : fuck you cologne smelling blankets i can still smell you :(

sigh ..

I had the most amazing week , ended up staying at chris's for most of it , but met his whole family and stuff and they like me which is awesome .. but argh he is actually the perfect boyfriend ! he treats me like a princess , always asking if i need anythng , and always thinks of me .. for example if he sees me sitting on the couch , he goes and grabs me a blanket and pillow so i can lie down , then asks if i need a drink and would go and get me one with ice because he heard i like cold drinks .. its pretty crazy and im not used to it , i really really like him and i hope that it can continue being as sweet as it is ..
jordan still doesnt know and probably wont for a couple more months .. not ready to tell him cause i have no idea how he'll take it .. so its best to just continue on with life and if he asks ill tell him the truth but yea if he doesnt then no point in telling him !
pretty much everyone else knows now , my parents , my sister , sai , ethan , jade , brits , sabrina , dan etc ..
jade met him on saturday night it was so nice and she said hes hot ;) which is always gooood an she likes him ! and hes taller then her so its all going well ..
things are going too perfect though .. i'm sure something bads gunna happen .. lifes not meant to be this perfect xx

i feel so stupid ..

it was his sister txting off his phone ..
i kno this cause hes in waipu with his family , why am i so dumb !?

soo confused .

i went from having the best day ever to the absolute worst .
thursday was sports day , which was fun .. i kept seeing the hot guy , whose name is actually chris .
after sports dayy , me chris krystal an reyah went to go and get alcohol for the party that night .. which was algood ..
we went to the party , and me and chris got real close .. started hooking up at the party (big mistakee !!) and a group of girls saw and got angry and yelled abuse .. so me and chris left , he ended up staying at my place , we didnt do anything like that .. but he ended up asking me out and stuff , and i thought all was fine until today when i recieve a text from his supposed girlfriend ??
i can't believe i got into this mess , and the worst thing is i still like him :(
i don't know what to do or what to believe .
i just want to crumple into a ball and die ..