too good to be true ?

argh i am soo over chris ! i can't believe how things have changed ..
i found out he is someone completely different to what i thought he was .. i thought i'd like a bad boy but i guess i was wrong , it honestly kills me .
gangs are pathetic , and how the "bois" are number one priority , trust me when you go to prison for something cause you get caught and they don't , i'm pretty sure they won't come and visit you .
i'm actually a little bit hurt at the moment .. i had to take a pregnancy test yesterday because i missed my monthly and he hasn't been around and doesn't even know , it is honestly one of the scariest things i've ever done in my life and he wasn't even there to support me or anything , i'm so ready to end it all , i'll see him tomorrow at course and i'll let him know then ..
i don't deserve to be second best to the bois . people are hating on me for being with him , yet he's nothing special . i wish one of those girls were with him instead of me . i wish i had nothing to do with him , cause nothings been the same since .
we don't even fight properly . when we fight , he just has a sook and says "why are you doing this to me?" .. when i'm not even raging ..
i think this has been a lesson to me to not get into things too quickly and things aren't all they seem ..
argh :( i just went to lie down in bed and i can smell his cologne through my sheets .. tear
why can't life be more simple ??
i was talking with sorelle last night and she said theres no such thing as the perfect relationship . i'm starting to believe her .
i'm turning into an alcoholic . i've been drinking everyday whenever i have money or if not someone shouts me a sesh , so i'm constantly filling the void . today is my first day sober and i don't feel too crash hot .
i've never felt so confused and lost with what i want ..
i like him , but i can't deal with it anymore .
i just wish things were different .

please don't comment this blog if you read it , its just a personal blog for me but i don't know how to make it private so it'l be public . i don't need sympathy , i just need to get over it .


p.s : fuck you cologne smelling blankets i can still smell you :(

sigh ..

I had the most amazing week , ended up staying at chris's for most of it , but met his whole family and stuff and they like me which is awesome .. but argh he is actually the perfect boyfriend ! he treats me like a princess , always asking if i need anythng , and always thinks of me .. for example if he sees me sitting on the couch , he goes and grabs me a blanket and pillow so i can lie down , then asks if i need a drink and would go and get me one with ice because he heard i like cold drinks .. its pretty crazy and im not used to it , i really really like him and i hope that it can continue being as sweet as it is ..
jordan still doesnt know and probably wont for a couple more months .. not ready to tell him cause i have no idea how he'll take it .. so its best to just continue on with life and if he asks ill tell him the truth but yea if he doesnt then no point in telling him !
pretty much everyone else knows now , my parents , my sister , sai , ethan , jade , brits , sabrina , dan etc ..
jade met him on saturday night it was so nice and she said hes hot ;) which is always gooood an she likes him ! and hes taller then her so its all going well ..
things are going too perfect though .. i'm sure something bads gunna happen .. lifes not meant to be this perfect xx

i feel so stupid ..

it was his sister txting off his phone ..
i kno this cause hes in waipu with his family , why am i so dumb !?

soo confused .

i went from having the best day ever to the absolute worst .
thursday was sports day , which was fun .. i kept seeing the hot guy , whose name is actually chris .
after sports dayy , me chris krystal an reyah went to go and get alcohol for the party that night .. which was algood ..
we went to the party , and me and chris got real close .. started hooking up at the party (big mistakee !!) and a group of girls saw and got angry and yelled abuse .. so me and chris left , he ended up staying at my place , we didnt do anything like that .. but he ended up asking me out and stuff , and i thought all was fine until today when i recieve a text from his supposed girlfriend ??
i can't believe i got into this mess , and the worst thing is i still like him :(
i don't know what to do or what to believe .
i just want to crumple into a ball and die ..

i just realised ..

everytime i get insanely close with someone , i back away .. far away and latch onto someone else .
i don't understand why i do this , and it annoys me because pretty much weekly my closest friends change , its crazy , its pointless but its me .

so ;

i'm so confused .


names are being changed haha

i like hot guy , but thats only physical attraction .
i like john , but thats only because hes a bad boy and lives life how i never could .
i don't like pete , because hes like a best friend not a boyfriend . don't wana ruin things .
i don't like james at all just because . and his stalking ways aren't cool .


so its either hot guy or john , i know i shouldn't like john , but seriously things are getting tempting ..

i guess its just a matter of timing .


hot guy was sick today :(

grr ..

stop being shy and talk to me instead of stalking everywhere i go :P
ill talk to you promise x